Half Year Review

At the end of last year I wrote a list herein of things I'd like to accomplish this year. As we are now half way through, thought it time to have an interim review.

1 Great Photograph
Well, still waiting for this one. Taken a few decent ones but even the arrival of the new lens hasn't produced anything great yet. Maybe during the Sucata Run.

100 Sales
Things have been unsurprisingly slow on the sales front. Many kind friends have bought a copy but the lack of availability on Amazon has stopped me pushing it too hard. Facebook ads aren't doing a lot either. Rethink required. 100 sales not impossible.

1 Draft
This is now looking REALLY unlikely. Mainly because of the the next point.

1 New Job
Well, I think I've kinda done this one. Although I'm still in my old job, there is a new job on the horizon. It's not entirely straightforward. Can't tell you. It's a secret.

No Alarms
Not entirely successful here. We lost Uncle Tony this year. A very funny and much loved man. Sadly missed.

Lethal Mizzle

Friday night, wrote Mr Kipling, I stood in a field in the rain watching small figures the size of Hornby railway figures play some loud music I had heard before.

It would be very easy, at this point, to descend into a straight-forward review of Radiohead on Glasgow Green on Friday night, but I wouldn't be saying anything new. The highs were high, the lows were all those tracks that you generally skip over when the randomiser chooses them (so they're not going to be all that welcome while standing in the rain).

So, my third time seeing Radiohead live was much like all the others. Half of the best gig ever. Nuff said.*

I would prefer, at this juncture, to discuss my descent into middle age.**

Now, I was lucky enough to have got the tickets as a present (Thanks sis) so I didn't pay the £40 to get 'in'. But I imagine most of other attendees did pay the money and, instead of standing, watching and listening they:

• walked back and forward endlessly to get drinks
• just walked about a lot, usually past me
• took or smoked drugs (some to extreme excess)

I'm not taking any moral stance on any of this. Walking, drinking, drugging are all things that people can do if they want. But why pay £40 to do it on a wet grass field in the rain?

It's just plain stupid. My name is Victor Meldrew. Goodnight. (no encore).

* although I did really like the sing-a-long during the slow bit of Paranoid Android ("rain down" etc), the crowd singing along was quite apt, sad and laconic, it felt like the tribute song the Zulu's sang after the battle of Rorke's Drift, well, it did to me, maybe I'm just... yes, ok...
** there is a strong possibility that I've always been like this

The Amazon Desert Island Challenge

I was wandering the aisles of a record store on Saturday looking at how cheap all the great albums I already own are. It occurred to me that you could get pretty much everything you really needed by way of entertainment for not very much these days.

So, I dreamt up this challenge. The rules are very simple, viz:

You are about to go to a desert island forever. You have £50 to spend on Amazon. You can only buy books, CD's or DVD's (assume that you can play such on this mystical isle). This will be all the entertainment you will have on the island for the rest of your life.

What would you spend it on? You can make use of any available offers at the time of purchase and assume free postage. You must provide links to the items and their prices.

So, Dear Reader, I look forward to your answer...

*** Edit *** Here are my choices ( 24/06/2008 ). It's not as easy as I thought, I would change this daily I think:

DVD's

The Big Lebowski 3.97
Aliens 3.97
Apollo 13 3.97
Goodfellas 4.97

CD's

Suede - Dog Man Star 5.97
Radiohead - OK Computer 4.97
Smiths - The World Won't Listen 4.98 ( a compromise based on the prices available )
Debussy - Best Of 4.97

Books

HG Wells - Time Machine/Invisible Man 2.50
Zola - Germinal 3.59
Umberto Eco - The Name of the Rose 5.59

Total: £49.45

This August I Will Be Mostly...

The sharp eyed among my reader will notice a new widget on the left. "What's that all about?" you may ask. Well, let me explain.

In a weaker/intelligent/stupid/inspired* moment, I agreed to join a couple on intrepid explorers in doing this year's Sucata Run. I won't labour the details here. Check out the website and help us make (and hopefully exceed) our fundraising target of £1000.

You will be able to follow our progress up to (and hopefully during) the run at the Team General Ignorance website. There's not much there (well nothing) as I type, but I expect it to be full of mirth in the weeks to come, so please keep an eye out.

* delete as appropriate

Bimbogami 2 - The excitement builds...

Testing continues and the tension at Bimbogami Towers rises. It's nice to see that there are people out there trying to find out the launch date. Current answer is "not sure yet" but testing is going well so we don't expect it to be too long. MorFF and I are currently fighting over a couple of puzzles that might not make the cut. The insinuation is that I've tried to be too clever. He may well be right.

Much has been a surprise about the Bimbogami experience. Some random observations:

1. Puzzling 'teams' - who knew these existed. Rest assured that the launch of Bimbogami 2 will allow all the teams an equal crack at it.
2. It's amazing the number of people who don't realise they can use the internet for help ( even with a search box on the page ). For all of you (and there are a lot) stuck on puzzle 1.2 "What Is This?"; you can Google the first line of the puzzle and get the answer. It really is that easy. That's why it's only the 2nd puzzle! Don't over think it now.
3. At the time of writing, 147 people have said the answer to 1.1 "What cheese is made backwards?" is 'eseehc'. Really, how (e)dam stupid are some people? Lovely as they are... Thanks to all for making us smile. Maybe do a 'funniest answers' post sometime. There is one outstandingly funny answer that reduces MorFF to tears every time I mention it. Not sure why though...
4. I'd like to give a personal high five to cucar who is doing a great job battling through bimbogami from Argentina, translating into Spanish as he goes. Amazing stuff...

Back to the grindstone, MorFF is working me very hard...

Rag, Tag and Bobtail

I was tempted to continue "Speed of Spam" experiment by calling this blog post "Britney Spears Naked" but it turns out I didn't have to.*

Once again, I have nothing particularly coherent to say so this will be another collection of stuff.

First of all, I have to say thanks to David Airey for nominating the logo for this blog in his Logo Design Awards. My logo won't (and shouldn't win), but hey, it's nice to take part.

Bit of an 'old news' item this, but I made it onto the BBC website again and, not just my daughter this time, the whole gang.




Many thanks to "The Big A" for spotting this from, of all places, India.

In addition to this, there has been lots and lots of other photo usage and I've been terribly remiss in reporting it here or elsewhere. Here are a few recent ones:

• Pasta
• I'm a German Academic
• London (innit)
• See what the did to my coconut

Lastly (and most important of all), I'd like to congratulate Albo & family for their latest arrival. Delighted just doesn't quite get there.

* see what I did there?

Free Porn - The Aftermath

Well that didn't take long. It took about 18 hours between my last blog post titled 'Free Porn' and my first hit from someone searching for something similar. I imagine it was because they had something specific ( "7/24" matched the time of the post ) in their search that allowed them to get to my blog so quickly. But even so, that's still pretty quick. Can you imagine how disappointed they were when all they got was a picture of me looking like a saddo magician and two peppers kissing?

Watch out next week for my blog post called "Best Book In The World - Buy It Now".

Schrödinger's Documentary

I generally don't do much in the way of TV review or commment but I've seen a couple of things recently that have given me a notion I feel compelled to share.

Last night I watched a 'documentary' called "Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory". I got pretty much what I expected. A posh guy (somewhat engaging, bit annoying) and his travails to grow and make chocolate. But on occasion it went a bit off-piste with sections of the show that were much more like a cookery show.

Overall it made sense. The guy was trying to punt his chocolate as an ingredient and was therefore using the show to advertise this. But it did very much seem like the inclusion of his 'cookery' slots were very much a condition of the show.

But because of this the show very quickly begun to lose credibility. We see him on the phone trying to get more money from the bank. We see a clip of him (from next week's show) trying to sell the chocolate to Selfridges and being asked "How do we get the message across that this can be used an ingredient?" Hello?

How can these supposed difficuilties be real when the intrusion of the 'reality' TV crew clearly has, in itself, a material impact on the outcome?

Now, I'm not saying that this family didn't have any difficulties but by allowing itself to be an advert for the product, the show can no longer be a true reflection of what (or what could have) happened. This isn't necessarily a bad thing if the story is interesting enough but this collusion between filmer and filmee must surely be done in an open and honest way.

Hopefully at some point in the shows to come, Willie will be up front with someone and just say "Look, all this is on TV, what better advertising do you want?"

Next week, Channel 4 come and talk to me about my book and how interesting it would be if everyone bought it. While I drone on about the difficulities of the creative process and how hard it is for new authors to get noticed.

Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow

Slow
Progress on Terra Exitus is very slow. Got off to a flyer but then things got quite busy workwise and I have ground to a halt. I hope to pick it up again this week. Even if I get something down I'l feel a bit better.

Slow
The Beatle Man should be available on Amazon in a couple of weeks or so. It seems to be taking an age so time, in this sense, is moving very slowly.

Quick
As mentioned above, things have got quite busy of late work-wise. Despite the impact on writing this is generally a positive thing as, in truth, I'd been betting a little bored. Now I'm getting picked up by the scruff on Monday morning and flung to Friday night. Coupled with some travelling and weeks are flying by. Which doesn't stack up against point #1, but hey, things don't always have to make sense.

Quick
It's the 2nd March. How did that happen?

Slow
Not being doing much photography either. Not had the time or the weather so output has slowed to a drip. That said, photo usage is on the up, last week saw quite a few magazine covers, book covers, posters etc. Must do another photo usage post. Hoping to get some good photos next weekend when I go to Islay.

"It's gonna be a glorious day!"

Fridays are normally good days. I particularly liked this one for four main reasons:

1. I received the final proof copy of The Beatle Man today and have just approved it for distribution. In about 6 weeks it will be available to buy from all the regular online book retailers.

"We are standing on the edge."

2. I'm going to submit the proof copy to the British Library tomorrow.

3. I discovered, by lucky hap, that That Petrol Emotion has trying to reform for a tour. I'd never considered this was possible not least because the guys had gone on to do their own things and Steve was on the other side of the Altlantic. I very much hope they can get it together and I will do whatever I can to make sure I make to one or more of the gigs nearest to me. True believers unite.

4. I got my Bimbogami T-Shirt today. And very fine it looks too. Watch out for the new live chat feature on the site, I'm almost certainly sure it will be the first puzzle site to provide such a feature.

In other news, I finally got my hands on scottliddell.com. The fools in China must have realised it wasn't going to make them any money. I'm still thinking what precisely to do with it!

Yog-hurt

Much as I understand I may be opening myself to ridicule from some quarters, I thought it important to talk of my first ever yoga experiences on Friday night. So, if you dare risk losing your lunch to imagine the scene, read on...

I have a foot problem which means I'm quite creaky on occasion. My last visit to the podiatrist resulted in a recommendation to do a lot of stretching and a suggestion that yoga might help. Now, given that my wife is a yoga instructor, it does seem like the fates were always ganging up on me to give it a go.

I have resisted for quite some time. It's the all the spiritual nonsense in yoga that puts me off a bit, but the fact that I knew I would find it next to impossible was probably the bigger factor.

So, I finally gave it a go and it was every bit as hard as I thought it would. It seems that I am only vaguely human. Even bits of me I thought were OK failed me horribly. My shoulders, for example (which have never been a problem), were unable to get my arms into seemingly straightforward places. It was a very odd experience. I was essentially doing nothing much, just getting myself into various positions, but it was unbelievably knackering.

It really is very good stuff. You can feel how well the very positions have been thought through as bits of you you had forgotten about start to stretch and wail. So, if I have ever given the impression that I thought it was a lot of WOP then I apologise. Obviously, I can do without the meditation and plinky-plonky stuff, but it might just get me walking a bit better. Which can't be bad. Don't be surprised if my next blog post is with a leg in traction.

Best Album Tracks Ever

Round this time of year, you do often find yourself in the mood for lists. Earlier today, I was listening to one of my favourite albums, Dog Man Star and mused over how many great tracks there were on the album that never made the light of day as singles. And naturally that leads on to "So what are the best album tracks ever?". The definition being any tracks that have never been released as singles and only 1 per artist. In addition, choices that will annoy Stuart have been specially selected. I imagine there are countless versions of my list, but today, this is the list I came up with. As they say on the X-Factor, in no particular order:

Suede - Dog Man Star - Asphalt World
Well, listening to this gave me the idea, so best place to start. I can never quite put my finger on why I love this song so much, but I just do. Listen to it in the dark, its sublime. There are other notable album tracks on Dog Man Star but this is my fave.

The Beatles - Rubber Soul - In My Life
I've never really taken part in the Lennon Vs McCartney debate but this song shows that when John was on top form he could produce songs that Paul could never get near. In My Life is one of these, 2 mins 24 seconds of genius.

The Smiths - Meat Is Murder - What She Said
Like The Beatles, Bowie and a few others, you could spend a long time just listing great Smiths' songs that were never singles. Therefore, its quite hard to choose one but What She Said is where Marr's guitar meets Morrissey's words come together at their very best. There is only one rule. Play it loud.

New Order - Low Life - Sunrise
Probably not a popular choice, but these lists will invariably get infected by personal nostalgia. Sunrise was one of those songs that got played endlessly when I was 15/16. And, like so many other New Order songs, is generally better when Barney isn't singing. Check out the vid, a classic New Order live performance. If you've seen them live you'll know what I mean. Also, look out for some top quality moshing. Its a shame I never did make it to the Hacienda.

Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - View From The Afternoon
Another thing that often blights lists like these is their somewhat contemporary nature. Check out any Q Top 100 to see what I mean. So, this makes it on the list as I've been listening to it a lot recently. It was a close run thing between this and Fake Tales of San Francisco, but as that doesn't really get good until 2 minutes in, this had to win. But if you haven't heard Fake Tales, check out the end, wig-out-tastic.

PJ Harvey - Bring You My Love - Long Snake Moan
Any great artist who is not a prolific singles releaser will always cause a problem with this list. Polly is one of these. Again, its not easy to pick one. Obviously, I could have gone for Kamikaze to keep Stuart happy, but I've always loved Long Snake Moan, its just cries out to be played at full bung, maybe even 12. I VERY nearly went for Rid of Me, watch the vid, you'll see why. Actually, I've just watched the live performance again, can I change my mind?

Portishead - Dummy - Roads
The live version of this could have been one of the best moments in music ever if it hadn't been for some dumb Americans not knowing where the end of the song was (watch the video, you'll see what I mean). Still unbelievably good nonetheless. Another one for a dark room.

Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures - New Dawn Fades
This should be a joint thing with "Day of the Lords" but New Dawn Fades swings it because of the lyrics. Cut to me standing in a bedroom with an unamplified electric giutar playing along with some quiet gusto.

Oasis - Definitely Maybe - Slide Away
Obviously, I was close to choosing Rock 'N' Roll Star but I've always a had soft spot for Slide Away. I think it was once claimed to be Paul McCartney's favourite Oasis song.

Radiohead - OK Computer - Exit Music (for a film)
Radiohead (and similarly Muse) are quite a tricky proposition when it comes to a list like this. They seem to have had a knack of releasing the best songs as singles. You can kind of understand why this wasn't a single but the loss to the charts is this list's gain. The bass kicking in still gives me goose bumps.

Thomas Dolby - The Flat Earth - Screen Kiss
So obscure its not on YouTube, so great it should be. Fab lyrics.

David Bowie - Aladdin Sane - Cracked Actor
Its very difficult to deal with Bowie in this list. There is a lot to choose from and a lot of things that have been released as a single in one way or another. I could probably list 10 without pausing but you have to choose one and before you go thinking that I'm all a bit melancholy and naval gazing, this will bump it up a notch. I love this song (with apologies to all the great tracks on Hunky Dory).

The Fall - Live At The Witch Trials - Frightened
No explanation required. Can't find a video, so instead here's Mark in fine form at the Von Sudenfed gig I was at.

Jesus and Mary Chain - Psychocandy - Taste The Floor
It was a straight fight between this and "In a Hole" and this won because it was on "the tape" and it didn't kill my fingers on an acoustic guitar like "In a Hole" did. This one was easier too.

The Sundays - Reading, Writing and Arithmetic - My Finest Hour
Come back Harriet, come to my house for tea. Another cracking chorus from one of the great, forgotten voices. Why "Can't Be Sure" was picked before this as a single escapes me.

The The - Infected - The Mercy Beat
Matt Johnson before the Hank Williams fixation. Another great builder. Video ain't bad either, if you like that 80's kinda thing.

That Petrol Emotion - Manic Pop Thrill - Tightlipped
OK, so you were wondering when I would have a That Petrol Emotion song. Obviously, hugely tempted by Creeping to the Cross, but that's what you were expecting. So I've gone for Tightlipped, always loved the chorus. Ask me tomorrow, I will have changed my mind. Sadly, can't find a video for this, so have Genius Move instead and then listen to me killing it (if you dare).

Turin Brakes - The Optimist - State of Things
This is a little bit of a cheat as I think it was maybe an E.P. but what the hell, who's going to disqualify me? Can't find a video, so have Long Distance instead, candidate for the "Best Chorus Ever" award, but it was a single so can't be listed here.

Andy White - Rave On - Things Start To Unwind
So good I've got the title on a T-Shirt. Half nostalgia, half coz its great. I love songs that build up steadily (none better than this). Can't find a vid so here's Andy proving he's seen some Bob Dylan.

Blur - Blur - You're So Great
OK, so its really a Graham Coxon song but a hidden gem nonetheless, quite Bowie-esque. Tricky choice as there were a good few candidates but this won out over tracks like Best Days and This Is A Low.

Belle and Sebastian - Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant - Don't Leave The Light On Baby
Not the greatest quality, but listen anyway, fantastic, should have been a single, best song by a Scottish band for many, many years.

Fun Boy Three - Waiting - The More I See The Less I Believe
So good I wrote an essay about it at school. Terry, if you're out there, you're a hero.

Travis - The Man Who - Slide Show
Bet you didn't see that one coming? Forget all the light and breezy singles, this is the best song on the album. And its dead easy to play on the guitar too, which helps.

B. 52's - Good Stuff - Deadbeat Club
Again, another nostalgia trip I'm afraid. It was 1990, it was sunny and I was a studying to this album. This track shows that they could be a very good, straightforward pop act. When Fred shut up. Probably doesn't deserve to be on the same list as some of these other tracks but hey, its my list.

Claude Debussy - Clair de Lune
OK, this is definitely a cheat but, strictly speaking, it wasn't released a single. Speaks for itself.

So, there you have it. I have to say, I've had immense fun putting this together, far more than you'll ever get from reading it. It has taken hours as I watched all the videos and many more besides. Hope you watch a few, they are all fab.

Happy New Year!

This year I are mostly going to...

I'm not one for New Year resolutions. I have always contended that if you want to do something, just do it. Don't wait for an arbitrary point in time start. (Same goes for the "I'll start my diet next week" crowd).

So, instead of resolutions, I thought I list some things I would like to achieve in 2008 and see how I do against that list this time next year. Here goes:

1 Great Photograph
I'm giving myself a whole year to take 1 great photograph. That's all I want. Just one. Bearing in mind that, despite already having taken 1000's of photographs already, I still haven't managed one.

100 Sales
I'd like to sell 100 copies of The Beatle Man. I've no idea if this is a realistic target or not. I suspect it depends on whether or not I have 100 friends or family with more disposable income than sense. To help me along, I'm counting the 4 I've sold already. 96 to go.

1 Draft
I'd like 2008 to be the year I did the 1st draft of Terra Exitus. I don't think I can get anywhere near finishing it in a year, but hopefully I can get most of it down.

1 New Job
As with the last few years, I enter the New Year unsure of where I will be working in a year's time. I think its more likely this year that I'll be doing something different in 12 months time. Over-inflated offers on a postcard...

No Alarms
1997 was a very tough year for me. When I entered 1998 I used the line "No Alarms and no surprises please" as a motto. 10 years on, I see no need to change that. The main thing from this year is that we are all fine and dandy and ready to laugh at my failures on the preceeding points. Hopefully they'll sing it live in June.

6' 5" Brazilian Pansy

I'm not usually one to go off in a current affairs kind of way, but having just watched the Celtic Vs AC Milan game, I feel compelled to write. First of all, I should say, I'm not a Celtic fan, so have no bias. Celtic won the game, but I fear they may lose the war.

I'm not condoning the actions of the brainless twonk that ran on the pitch and lightly brushed th AC Milan goalkeepr, Dida. I hope he is identified, banned for life and given an accidental kicking from some real fans. He may just have cost his beloved club big.

Its hard to see how Celtic will escape serious punishment for this, but my point relates to the ridiculous play-acting of the keeper. Losing the game, the altercation from the fan gave him a chance to benefit by collapsing in an idiotic heap. Of course, the fan should never have given him the opportunity to do this, but I'd like to think that UEFA will do something against the keeper too.

The fan didn't hurt him in the slightest. He was a tiny we nyaff who brushed his hand against the cheek of the Herculean Brazilian. In fact, before going down, Dida's initial reaction was to chase after him. It then dawned on him that he could profit from this and duly descended to the turf clutching his face and was, unbelieveably, stretchered off with an ice pack on his face.

I've seen City of God a number of times. I've been led to believe that Brazilians are tougher than that. I feel robbed. I hope that the entire Brazilain nation are embarrassed by him. I have no doubt that the similar collection of pansies in UEFA will focus more on the actions of the fan but I think the overacting is far more insidious and should be dealt with equally harshly. This is a feint hope. Feining injury is becoming the norm and it is a blight on the beautiful game. The problem will always be that the furore around the initial crime of the fan could and will mask the acting and he'll get away with it.

Remember, another Brazilian, Rivaldo, was fined a paultry £5K for something similar.

I'd like to think that no Scottish player would ever do this. In fact, if they summoned the spirit of Smeato and lamped the idiot fan, so much the better. Trouble is, you'd get in more trouble for that than lying on the floor like Hamlet in his final scene.

I make this simple plea:

Dear Mr Platini,
Punish Celtic, closed-doors whatever. But don't let Dida away with this. Ban the lanky twecker* for at least 2 games otherwise your going to create a much bigger problem.
Yours,
A Fan of Football

I'm just glad I'm not a Celtic fan or I really would be raging.

* OK, you're French, think Vichy.

EDIT: 5/10/07
I am very heartened to see the reaction of AC Milan and Italy as a whole to Dida's antics. Congratulations to them all, seems there is still some honour left in the world.

Sunday Morning Loud Lawnmowers

I cut the hedge yesterday. More remarkable than you would imagine. But as I did it, a vague idea for this blog post started to solidify. Its all about progress, more of the hedge later.

Everything progresses, everything moves forward, we try to make everything better. We invent new things, new ways of doing old things, things that make bad things better. We improve. Some do this for the betterment of all things. Cures for diseases and the like, but progress is a thing of commerce. Quite often, things don't need to get better, but unless there is a new, improved version. then there is nothing else to sell.

My favourite analogy for this is computer games. When the Commodore 64 was unleashed, I really couldn't see why you'd need anything else. Great games, great fun, perfect. Same, for the original Playstation. Wow. Right. That'll do. No it won't. We need to sell you another 'improved' version. Well, do you?

This applies to almost everything. My TV is great, but I feel I need an HD one (I don't). I can make toast under the grill, but I have a toaster etc, etc, I won't labour it. Commercially driven innovation.

And therein lies the problem. We progress, innovate along discrete paths unique to their own domain, TV's get better, drugs get better, the Internet gets more pervasive. Each strand, fuelling its own progress to an attempt to sell more. And we all believe that any and all such progress must be a good thing. After all, so much of human innovation has made such a big improvement to all our lives. Running water, heat, food, we nailed the basics many years ago. We are healthier, we live longer but, in all of this, are we still getting better?

Let's imagine there is some central measure of wellness or good in humanity. I know this is a bizarre ideal, but bear with me. You can't argue that sanitation or penicillin was to the overall good of things but looking at the modern world, which of the recent technology innovation has really helped? We are hooked to our phones, PDA's, laptops (ahem), we are information junkies. We are wired. All the stuff that we used to have to spend time doing is done for us, so we have so much time to do, well, stuff. So, we get fat, we have soaring childhood obesity, we have all a whole new set of psychological problems that simply didn't exists 30 years ago.



Keeping it simple with the SLR


The problem is that there is no central arbitration of whether or not any given innovation is for the 'common good'. No one says, "Nope, we'd better not build this ultimate entertainment device, people will stay in and get fat". We assume that moving forward is good for us, hasn't it always? Perhaps we've started to innovate and progress beyond the point of maximum wellness? On the face of it, it looks like things are getting better but perhaps we are just at the early stages of new, bigger problems, created by ourselves. And I'm not talking Global Warming yada-yada, I'm talking about more personal issues, health, mental and psychological. Just how happy do you feel every day?

Do you ever really feel at ease? When are you blissfully relaxed? I like to be out in the open, in the air. With my Digital SLR...

There has to be a strong argument that the whole 'wellness' measure would benefit from far more simplicity in how we live. I, and I know others the same, often hark back to previous times with a large degree of fondness. You think you are being glassy-eyed old fool, you think that your memory is flawed. But its not that simple. Some things are better now, some things were better then. Its not an either or.

A long time ago, people thought hedges round their garden were a good idea. They were cheap, you grew them. They were nice looking, they were plants. You had time to cut them, because there was nothing else to do.

So, what do I want? Do I want to put up a fence? Do I want someone else to put up a fence for me. Do I want a machine that cuts the hedge automatically? Maybe with lasers, yeah baby.

Or do I want to leave the hedge and cut it myself. Because its simple. It gets me away from this machine, from the multitude of stimuli that fill my head. It forces me to listen to what is happening in my head. Just me and the hedge. Maybe I need the Sunday morning loud lawnmowers, the simple things. But not an electric blanket. At least some innovations end up where they deserve to be.

What is better for me? Sure, someone would make money from the Laser Hedge Ray, I would avoid cutting the hedge. But I would contest that that wouldn't be better for me. That wouldn't be progress. It would be human innovation but not human betterment.

Until we learn to separate the two, there is going to be a lot of correction to look forward to as we settle back down until how life should be.

Ever Since I've Been Completely Addicted To Cities

I have, for some time, been fascinated with cities. I can't quite put my finger on why but there is something about the complexity of a city that makes you think "How can that all work?"

Cities to me to be huge complex organisms, massive consumers of food and power, massive producers of waste and pollution. But I'm not going off on some eco-rant, the process of supply and waste removal is equally fascinating. The logistics of making a city work are often truly staggering and, similarly, when the progress in logistics don't match city growth, the outcome can be equally staggering, only in a different way. Almost literally.

I've been lucky enough in the last few weeks to visit two of the great cities of the world, London and Mumbai (Bombay). There is much that differentiated them but, strangely, they still have much in common.

In London, I visited the excellent exhibition on Global Cities at the Tate Modern. The growth and extent of many of the mega-cities is staggering. It simply served to fuel my fascination. Soon after, walking along the Embankment, I happened to pass the statue of Jospeh Bazalgette. Not a name many have heard of but one of the men who made London work.

So, when I then drove past open sewers and slums in Mumbai a few weeks later, it became obvious that when a city growth is quicker than the development of its infrastructure then its not going to smell all that good and getting about on the roads could be a little, well, slow.

And yet, for all its problems, Mumbai remains eternally fascinating. It was nearly 7 years since my last visit and I was very keen to see what had changed in that time. The simple answer is, not that much.

The trouble is, its not easy to describe. I just watched a half-hour documentary called 'Mumbai Uncovered' - it didn't even get close. It has a particular madness of its own. As blog content goes something that is not easy to describe isn't all that much use, but I'm going to try. This is the story of one 2 hour car journey, as best as I can...

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Night falls quickly in the tropics. The bats wake up early. Leaving the air-conditioned modern office we crossed into a dark world of heat and monsoon rain hanging in the air. The cars were hiding somewhere, the drivers waiting all day for us to emerge.

These were the same drivers that had collected us at the airport earlier that day and had driven us through thundering monsoon rain to the office for meetings. People ran for cover, the thin plastic sides of auto-rickshaws were dropped to provide some protection for the passengers.

All we had to do was sit and watch, protected by our cocoon. A modern car, our portable planet, a breathable atmosphere from our world to help us cope with this one. All the rain did was limit the view, for a while. Then as quick as it started, it stopped. Someone put the plug back in.

The day passed without incident and with impeccable hospitality. Even the bats were good enough to go for a fly while we waiting to leave, their immense wingspan filling the darkening sky.

We get in the car and it is already cold. I shiver, the sweat chilling me. I'm not scared. I know they were fruit bats. I'm not entirely sure what time it is. I've not been to bed. Well, I have, but on a plane that got chucked about the sky for a few hours. So not really.

The cars pull away. Three of them. A Gumball Rally of sorts. Special rules, first one to make into 4th gear wins. Could take a while, if ever. Let's settle for last one to the bar charges the beer to their room. We didn't know then that the bar was two hours away.

Two hours is a lot of travel time. You can drive to Aberdeen from Edinburgh, you can almost fly the length of Iran. Maybe its just a busy night. It is August 14th, the night before Independence Day. 60 years since British rule.

Its cooler in the dark and people seem to be more active, more numerous. The sides of the road bustle with people sitting, walking, talking - living. They all seem to have a purpose, a reason. Its not immediately obvious. But no one looks lost or concerned. A thundering river of metal runs past their house but they could be sitting in a field in a Flake advert.

The middle of road is full of cars. Going in both directions. In the middle of the road. Not all roads are lit. Some cars have headlights. Some of them work. Sometimes you can only tell you are passing other cars with the 'click-clack' sound of wing mirrors clipping each other. No one blinks, nothing is exchanged, not even harsh glances.


And the horns, the constant horns. Like a blind man being guided with bells, the horns are all that keep you from being hit. Left bell, go right, right bell, go left. No one looks, they listen. Constant small corrections based on the cacophony around them. Corrections sometimes sudden, stopping is all too often a good idea.

There is one very dark stretch of road that snakes up a hill through what looks like a bustling village area. There is not a square inch of road not covered with car. Our car scrabbles for grip at the edge road, crunching through rubble and dirt. It doesn't sound good but the driver doesn't flinch. He's too busy filling the space in front, obeying the only rule.

After 45 minutes of 10 metre increments, we feel like we have gone far. "How much further?" we ask hopefully. "We have gone 5%" says the eternally patient driver. This is as funny as it is surprising. Sit back and relax. This is going to take a while.

One benefit of such slow progress is the opportunity to observe almost minute detail that would otherwise flash by. A poster advertises lessons in English "Speak English Fluently - Grammatiacally(sic) Correct". Its priceless. You couldn't make it up. Tiredness makes it far funnier than it need be. We stop behind a bus and an advert proclaims "DuroTurf Doormats - the only doormats effective against dirt and muck." This, again, is hysterical in its own way. It seems naive, but maybe its simplicity is effective. It is typically India. A different approach, direct, plain, obvious and yet, well, not sophisticated, but...it works

You see that kind of simple, language everywhere. Its English, but not as we would immediately recognise it. Certain aspects of how they use the language is entirely their own. Roads are barely complete or hardly repaired, signed declare "Inconvenience is regretted." The ghost of Hughie Green proclaims "and we mean that most sincerely folks". And they do. Just not enough to do something about it. It is part of the conundrum.

We pass through many areas. Small centres of commerce where similar traders group together. Ironmongers. Everyone in the street seems to have an iron swing. Barefooted welders send sparks fly out into the night.

A concrete ridge forms the middle of the road. The only way you can stop the flow of traffic in one direction spilling across the whole width. In some places, previous incidents leave broken concrete blocking the road and cars and rickshaws dart and swerve to avoid it. For some it is too hot too long. A car sits at the side of the road, bonnet up, expired in the heat. Two more bear witness to a crash. Only when we pass do we see that a third car probably caused the accident and has long since departed the scene. The front car is caved in, precious water leaking out onto the road. A civil conversation seems to be going on about the incident, inconvenience will be regretted.

The driver counts down the distance in percent. We cross half-way with a whoop of delighted and a text message from one of the other cars asking if we are still alive. Despite the tiredness, you still feel very alive. Cars lurch at you, pass within millimetres or less, the endless cacophony. It is all happening. Simultaneously. Right outside the window. And yet, its not dangerous, there is no peril. You are in it, but you are still separate from it. I'm not going wherever most of these people are going.

There are two cities. One overlayed on the other. We travel in our 'space suits' between oases while the other city gets on with its business oblivious of ours. And yet, they see us, in our cars. And they look. But it is fascination, not resentment. And that, more than anything, tells you all you need to know about them.

We arrive at the hotel after nearly two hours and into a final irony. We can see the hotel, but we can't go in. In takes another 10 minutes and a crazy U-turn before we can get on the right side of the road to enter.

The madness of the street is left behind and we enter the splendour of the hotel. We might as well be on the moon for all the connection we have with what is going on outside.

Sign O' The Times

Just watched Man U win 7-0. Funny thing was it was two games simultaneously. I watched Man U Vs Glentoran on TV and Man U Vs Dunfermline streamed live on the laptop.

First of all, its was an odd experience watching two games simulataneously but it was entirely possible and I didn't miss anything significant.

Secondly, it really does bring home the all pervasive nature of live football. I remember when a live game, especially a live Man U game, was a major treat. Now I can watch two at the same time.

Thirdly, shows how good broadband and streaming technology is these days that I was able to watch the game full screen on the laptop very comfortably.

Fourthly, how big is the Man U squad? Jings, its not like either of the teams we put out was weak. Amazing the number of great players that have nothing to do most weekends.

Finally, for the record, we beat Dunfermline 4-0 (on the laptop) and Glentoran 3-0 (on TV).

Come on the Reds.

Indolent

Clip, clop, ring, knock, ring, Stop mithering! As a man once said. And suddenly the blog erupts in frustration. I'm out of energy at the moment and the list of things I want to do sits before me, fetid and irritating.

I've got excuses. Of course. I was in London last week. I've had a cold this week. And its not like I've done nothing. Next to nothing, yes. Skittered about with Facebook and did some stuff on another blog (oh yes, another one, ssshhh, which incredibly got over 2000 hits in one day).

I also submitted this year's entries to The Everyman. Not feeling hugely confident, but we'll see.

I will post some photos here tomorrow night by way of an apology to myself.

And next week, well, lets not make any promises. But I'd really like to get something done on Terra Exitus before I disappear to India the week after.

Snotty boy. Lazy boy. Get on with it.

Electronically Tagged

It has been brought to my attention that I have been 'tagged'. Seems to be some devilish Web 2.0 nonsense that I really shouldn't darken my door with but, since I am devoid of creativity, I will allow it. (Although it does seem a little ridiculous). Although finding 8 people to spread this onto will be a little tricky...finding 8 people I'm prepared to admit that I do this kind of thing to is even harder...

These are the rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and include these rules in the post.
4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

So, my 8 things:

1. I once ate cheese toasties in the Board Room of the largest company in India. I was very hungry at the time. They were great.
2. I once won a copy of 'Beaky and the Egg Snatchers' for the ZX Spectrum in a magazine. There were 100 winners and my name was printed first.
3. I support Manchester United, my name is on the pavement outside the ground and I attended my first match at Old Trafford while still in the womb. (And I still get tears in my eyes whenever I see the goals against Bayern in 1999.)
4. I once sold George Takei 3 postcards. They cost 45p. He said "Is that a 50? I'm not familiar with you currency." I kept my pants dry. Just.
5. I was so good at the original Monaco GP arcade game that I could run the score off the top of the scoreboard.
6. I've had a novel rejected by a publisher. Therefore I am now 'proper'.
7. I really don't like needles, but had two inoculations this week and the nurse said I was 'very brave'.
8. I'm a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts. Thought I should have at least one sensible one. They'll be very proud if they read this.

I don't have 8 people to tag so, sorry, I'm going to fail to perpetuate this tomfoolery. Does that mean I'm out of Fight Club now? Good, I was a bit worried that I might be Meat Loaf's character anyway.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Sometimes I feel I little torn. During a favourite and frequent pastime (listening to music repeatedly clicking the Stumble button) I arrived at this Wikipedia page.

And then I arrive at an oft repeated conundrum. I am torn between two opinions:

1. "Oooh, that's quite interesting."


2. "What eejit spent their time not only thinking that up but explaining it too.

Generally 1. wins. That's probably a good way of defining geek. There must be a strong non-geek part of me because, depending on mood, it can win. Another good example is this, which I watched to the end and rather than thinking "idiots", I thought, "Mmmm...that looks like fun, not a waste of time at all"

But hey, its fun to rejoice in the weirdness of language (or the Japanese). Lets face it, there are far worse things on the Internet.

In no way, shape or form

"In no way, shape or form"

Listen up people, PLEASE stop saying this useless phrase. It is driving me mad.
One of "way", "shape" or "form" is enough. Really. It is.
Thanks, I appreciate your cooperation. Coz if you don't I'll drive over your head in my car, vehicle or automobile.

The Ethics of Medical Research

There is probably a rule (unwritten or otherwise) somewhere that says you are probably best not to blog about things about which you have no knowledge or experience. Come to think of it, there probably isn't, so on we go.

Driving home last week I was listening to some news coverage of some ruling on the creation of hybrid embryos as a mix of human and animal genes. As ever with these things, the scientists say "This is an essential part of our work" and the morality wing say "Oh the horror! Have you seen the fly?". I find it easy to sympathise with both sides of the argument. It simply doesn't sound right to go gene-splicing about the place willy-nilly creating odd beasts for the sake of progress and similarly you could say "but hey, if it improves lives, saves lives, no one gets hurt, go for it."

This all stems for the seemingly unquenchable need for us, as humans, to progress, to make things better. It has always been this way. No one would say that what Burke and Hare did (in the city in which I currently type) was in any way justified (morally or otherwise) but yet medical research benefited from it. But it is too easy to make these kind of comparisons. It doesn't feel valid to me. I'll leave it to others more qualified than I to debate the point at which life exists etc but to my simple mind, mature, controlled research at a cellular level doesn't strike me as barbaric or immoral in any way. That's not to say that there aren't risks and this kind of thing needs to be done under tight legislative control.

There is one fundamental question in all of this that I never hear asked, never mind get answered. We have, over a number of years, progressed a massive amount in medical science. People live longer, healthier lives in general surviving things that would have wiped out those in recent generations. Trouble is, we've probably done all the easy stuff. That's why things seem to be progressing to a smaller scale, genetic level. (if I can offer a horrible analogy, like physics going from dynamics, to atomic, to sub-atomic level).

The question is, if people are going to object to this new kind of research being done, are they prepared to stand up and say "That's it, we're going no further, all of you with diseases x, y and condition z, we're doing nothing for you because we don't like the path it takes us down on moral grounds"?

Because the truth, as I understand it, is that there are a whole number of conditions that we can do very little about unless we start to get very clever with genetic therapies etc. If we are happy that we have taken life expectancy and survivability as far as we'd like then fine. Kill the research and buy the poor sods we are ignoring some nice flowers.

But that's never an angle I hear. Its always the "Oh the humanity!" Burke and Hare reaction and questions answered with phrases with things like "but that's not the point".

I simply cannot conceive of or believe in a future where the human race stops trying to make things better. There cannot be a plateau that can be reached at which point we will ever say "that'll do eh? pint anyone?" Therefore I would encourage the "anti" lobby to continue to campaign but to do it in a way that accepts that progress is inevitable and that all such research should be carried out properly, openly and in a controlled and legislated manner.

Its very easy to envisage a future dystopia from these type of proposals but it is even easier to witness the dystopian existence of people living now. I doubt anyone campaigning today could look into the eyes of any of these people and say that they didn't want to help.

What seems to be missing is trust. How we get that though is probably a far more difficult question.

Normal trite nonsense service will be resumed shortly...

Answers on a postcard

As you get older, although you are aware of your gradual change in appearance, I'm not sure if you ever stop looking outside from behind your eyes with younger eyes. There comes a point, unbeknownst to you, when other people look at you at start to thing, there's a fat/old/grey/bald guy.

Recently, I was doing a portrait shoot and I sat in front of the camera and let my daughter click the button. I ended up with this picture:




Now, I thought this was a reasonable picture, but, quite rightly, others saw it with less biased eyes and have had a number of amusing reactions. In no particular order, I am:

• Sir Alan Sugar - courtesy of Stuart
• Minty from Eastenders - from MorFF
• Grant Stott - from WDG
• John Peel/Matthew Kelly - from McGenius

Says it all when you are happy with looking like Grant Stott.

So, lets keep up coming, more unflattering comparisons please, I need to get used to it, this is as good as its gonna get!

Disappointment - The FA Cup Final 2007

I'm not going to drivel on in a boring way about football. It's just not a bloggy type thing. But really, could the FA Cup Final have been any worse? Obviously, if I was a Chelsea fan I wouldn't give two hoots (although I do remember how bad 1999 was really, despite the end).
But as a Man Utd fan (yes, I know I'll be encouraging daft comments with this, but lets just clear this up now, I was in the Stretford end as a foetus in 1969, I don't care if I'm Scottish and live in Edinburgh, I was born in Manchester, I'm proper Red, right? My name is even on the pavement outside the ground. Gottit? good. ).
So, as I was saying, as a Man Utd fan is was not only the most boring game imaginable, it was so against everything you'd expect them to be. We had won the league, done the hard bit, we should have played with freedom. But we didn't. We played not to lose in the hope that something would magical happen. That's no way to do it.
Neither team really looked like a decent team until they brought on another striker and by then the game was far to nervy to have much shape.
We should have gone at them from the start, if they had scored a goal early, so what, it would have clarified what we had to do. Make no mistake, hanging on for penalties wasn't good for us. We would have lost on penalties. Don't ask me how I know, we would have. Sir Alex knew that, he said as much before the game. So why all the caution? I honestly have no idea.

My point is this, you don't get anything without being prepared to take a degree of risk. You have to set out to win. There is a lesson there for many things I'm sure.

I'm not denying that Chelsea are very hard to break down but a bit of pace and movement and Scholes would have picked the passes and won us the game. Instead we played to avoid losing. Which was a real disappointment. I'm not as disappointed at losing as I am at the way we lost.
I've been watching United since I was very small. I can tell when its going to be a good day and I knew early on that we weren't playing at the right tempo. I'd love to see this stat, in the games were Utd get a corner in the first 5 minutes, how many do they lose? I bet its not many.
One good thing, it was great to see the coverage before the game showing Norman Whiteside's goal that won the 1985 cup. I was 15 and remember standing on the coffee table near to tears screaming when it went in. Shame it wasn't like that yesterday. Although, obviously, if I had a coffee table it would doubtless be in bits if it had happened, I'm not the skelf I once was.

27th April 2007

My Mum would have been 60 today. If she hadn't died almost 10 years ago now. Its hard to know exactly what to feel. The whole Mersault thing tries to kick in and tell me its just another day, just another 27th April. But it isn't. It's significant.

It's significant because it reminds me of three things.

1. How young she was when she died. 60 would still be considered young so to not get within 10 years of that...

2. How long ago it was that she died. I've lived nearly 10 years without her.

3. I'm reminded that I can't really type this kind of thing without fighting back tears. 10 years on, it seems that I'm still not really over it. I suspect I never will be.

But I am sure of is this. I'm here, I'm healthy and I'm happy which is all she ever lived for anyway. So I really don't need to worry.

Track of the day:
It has to be, Birthday by The Sugarcubes

I am RAM, this is ROM

There is a unbelievable temptation to try to become a geek philosopher. Take established thinking and re-tell it with a techy-vibe and try to present it as something new. A temptation so great, that I am going to do it. Why not. Its not like I'm alone.


"The Permanence of the Water and the Hills"

Its a question of permanence. As you get older (and particularly when people around you start to die) you lose the sense of the infinite you have when you were young. I first really noticed this when my attitude to collecting changed. There was a time when I would have (and did) collect just about anything. Stamps, coins, football programmes, games consoles, CD's, VHS cassettes, DVD's, books, the list is a collection in itself. Over time, my temptation to collect has reduced. I think this is partly due to a new 'what is the point?' attitude that makes me think that ultimately all this stuff will just be some a big pile of rubbish that my beleaguered descendants will have to dispose of. This is, of course, terrible fatalistic and, while I'm alive I can doubtless benefit from such thing from the sense of 'having' that collectors will know well.

In a less tangible way, I began to wonder about the vast amounts of information I have collected in my head. As many who know me will testify, I know a vast amount of garbage and have, over the years, actively set out to learn more stuff and 'collect' more garbage to remember. Obviously, this is handy for well, quizzes mainly, but if it makes me feel better than it does no harm. But unlike physical collections, this accumulation of knowledge will disappear in an instance, all 21 grams of it. Viz, I am RAM.

Of course, when I first read "Being and Nothingness" I don't think I really understood it (and probably wouldn't now) but I'm sure JPS wouldn't have of a clue about blogs either. So there.

Therefore, this kind of thinking compels you to look for some degree of permanence that can come from this accumulation of such easily lost knowledge and experience. Its not really about "nothingness" if you don't want it to be. Clearly, this is one of the central joys of having children. Not only physical creations but hopefully you can give them the tools they need to have a better attempt at life than you have managed.

Maybe this is at least part of why I write, take photos, blog. After all, barring some massive natural disaster like Internet falling apart under the heat of global warming, this is a very small chance that this blog post may exist when I don't. Viz, this is ROM.

This is it folks, my legacy, my gift to history, the exam submission on which my existence will be graded by future generations.

D-, could try harder.

Website of the Day:
Hey, you can get some lovely Oak Furniture at Chris Sharp Cabinets.

Track of the Day:
The randomiser re-discovered "Lady Grinning Soul" by Bowie tonight for me. A song so good it has its own Wikipedia page. Well done randomiser, must think of a better name for you, cause that's a rubbish name and you're not random either.

Job Title Madness

As those who know me will testify, I've never been too fussed with job titles. I've had a few and most are generally meaningless. I've always been a fan of a job title scheme based around animals Code Monkey, Sales Weasel, that kind of thing.

These may be ridiculous, but I have started to notice and even more ridiculous trend. Trying to make fairly uninteresting jobs sound more exotic by the use of a really over-stated job title. I was in a jewellers recently and was served by a very competent and pleasant person whose name badge proclaimed the title of 'Sales Executive'.

Now, I've worked in a shop before, I've stocked the shelves, bashed the till and NEVER, for a single second, did it EVER feel like I was doing anything vaguely 'executive' (it might have been that I had a brightly coloured sweatshirt on).

I've seen many other examples of this recently (none of which I can remember sadly, yeah, I know, not exactly well researched this post) but you all** know what I mean, I bet you've seen it too.

I'd like to think that no one is fooled by this, especially not those with the names on their lapels. Sure, it makes it better when you go home and tell your family what job you've just got.

You can see the Royle Family-esque scene were Anthony comes home and says "I've got a job as a Sales Executive" and his Mum and Nana both say "Oooh, Executive".

Thankfully, trusty old Jim would retort with "Executive my arse". Well said Jim.

I'm not having a go at the people with these silly titles. Far from it. Good luck to them all. I have to take issue with the idiot HR 'Executives' that think this kind of thing is a good idea. Are they fooling anyone? "Executive eh? Wonder if I'll get a car, maybe an M3?"

Sheesh.

Website of the day:
The art and photography of the amazing Laurin Rinder, because its his birthday today. And he's a bit good too.

Track of the day:
The Private Psychedelic Reel by the Chemical Brothers has stood the test of time well.
I'd also like to give a special pop-tastic commendation to 'Come Undone' by Duran Duran which just came on as I was typing.

** 'all' - who am I kidding!

Primeval Clapping

Have you ever written or typed a word and, despite it being something you have done many times, it just doesn't look right? So, you ask some "does that right?" and they look at you in a funny way.
On occassions, I think we all have moments when we look at commonplace things and they suddenly leap out as being absurd or stripped-down to what they really are. I even had a brief moment once when I was watching football and it looked like 22 blokes running about kicking a ball to no great purpose. After all, why is the space inside the goal different from any other?Thankfully, that on didn't last long.

One of the most profound of these moments I ever had was related to clapping. Clapping is an extremely commonplace thing. Humans tend to do it for pretty much any reason (especially if they are in a game show audience). It is a sign of welcome/adulation/happiness and generally speaking a positive thing in all but its slow form.

But have you ever had a moment when you have seen people clapping and it looks like some form of mass hysteria when a bunch of people are just sitting/standing banging their hand together to make a noise? It seems to me to be an enormously primeval thing. A throwback to a more animal time, perhaps pre-speech?

As usual, I have no idea on the science of this, doubtless it has been researched and countless papers written, but I can't think of any other similar habits that we have as humans that are so basic (football supporting aside). Maybe I'll try and find the science.